NEW THINGS IN THE NEW YEAR

We are only six days into 2010, and it has already been quite a new year.

This past Monday, I started a new rotation at a rural clinic here in OK. Fortunately, it is only about an hour drive from home and so I am able to drive and enjoy the comfort of my own bed each night. I will never again underestimate the value of my own bed after sleeping in a hospital bed for an entire month.

Unfortunately, all of the reckless eating -- sans exercise-- since Thanksgiving has caught up with me. I have been wearing the same emergency pair of jeans (“fat” jeans, if you will) for the past month as denial and I have gladly and excessively partaken in all of the vacation and holiday fare. (By the way, if you are the family member that made the chocolate covered peanut cluster that Jerm brought home from the family get-together, I would like the recipe….in three months.)

In addition to my fat jeans, I have also experienced “faux pregnancy”, a phenomenon that occurs every time my gluttonous ways get the best of me. I like to stretch out my distended stomach as far as it will go and say to Jerm, “See, this is what it will look like when I am pregnant!” He gets holy crap saucer eyes every time, though I’m not sure if it it’s because I can look six months pregnant without actually being pregnant or if it’s because I follow up with, “It’s all downhill from here, buddy!”.

Faux pregnancy took on a new relevance this past Monday. I was extremely bloated and looking at least four months pregnant without trying. I spent the early half of my day self-conscious, cursing myself for wearing the shirt that I had chosen and trying to suck in whenever I remembered. I thought maybe I was being overly girly, analytical, vain, self-conscious, or whatever behaviorally descriptive word you would like to insert here. That is, until an elderly female patient, showing her Fixodent-proof I’ve-figured-out-your-secret smile punched me in the face with these five words: “How far along are you?”

Um, excuse me? Or, rather – what the hell!

Even though I had been obsessing about looking pregnant, her words threw me completely off-guard. I scrambled to find the words to reply, even considering lying for a split second and admitting to being pregnant. I am not sure if it was the constipation-red color of my face or the awkward silence that followed, but she quickly recovered with, “How far along are you in your schooling?”

This is really funny in reflection, not to mention a good motivator to hit the gym.

And I could hit the gym, if it weren’t for yet another new and fun experience that began yesterday morning.

At first, I thought maybe the sharp, stabbing pain on my left side was a passing gas bubble. (I question whether it is lady-like and bloggable to admit this, but the medical field has desensitized me enough to not care that much.) The pain struck and then subsided, following this pattern as each episode returned with a greater fury. The nature of the pain and the fact that it was only on my left-side meant that it could only be one thing: urolithiasis.

In laymen's term, urolithiasis translates into a kidney stone. And let me tell you, kidney stones are not very fun. I have spent the past two days at home in bed because I can barely stand-up without pain and feeling nauseated. The unfortunate thing about kidney stones is that most of them will pass with time. And even more unfortunate is the fact that the time of passage correlates to the size of the kidney stone. I visited my doctor today and confirmed that the appropriate course of action is one I've been taking since the onset of the pain: drink lots of fluid and wait.

I am praying that it passes soon. You know, so I can get on the ball and start getting rid of my faux pregnancy.

Oh yeah, and to be pain free. : )