TO MOW OR NOT TO MOW

We have been without cable, internet, or phone for the past two-and-a-half days. I’m not really sure if all three were in working order when I came home Tuesday because I decided to be a hero and do yardwork. Not cutesy plant some flowers in our flower bed like a lady yardwork --- no, more like the mow the entire yard and weed-eat until your hands morph into man-hands type. Why did I think that this was a good idea in the hundred-plus degree heat? Because I didn’t really want to do laundry. Because I wanted to surprise Jerm so he wouldn’t have to do it for once. Because, apparently, I sometimes mislabel just-plain-stupid ideas as good ones.

I started in the front yard because I figured that if I wanted to quit at any point, it would be best to mow the portion of the yard that people actually see. Unfortunately, I’m not so sure this was the greatest idea. You see, when you mow the grass too low, it reveals a nice yellow patch that was previously hidden beneath a former lush, long, and beautiful greenness. Jerm usually mows the backyard at a lower level for the same reason that I decided to mow the front yard first: no one sees it. Also, it means we have to mow it less. He always mows the front yard first and then the backyard second.

So this means that when I went to mow the front yard, the mower blades were still set at scalping level.

I started the mower (wishing fervently that the neighbors weren’t at their windows mocking my multiple girl-arm attempts) and then proceeded to walk with the mower on the side of the house, closest to the fence. I smugly thought about how I was probably one of the few ladies in the neighborhood that would even dare to mow, not realizing that my calloused hands would later make a statement as well. And then I stopped mowing.

There it was -- a newly butchered lemon-colored grass strip next to its innocent, untouched counterpart. I decided to finish the side yard just to equal things out a bit, but I knew one thing for sure: Jerm was going to kill me! I also figured that if the neighbors weren’t mocking me before, I am sure that they were at that point. (And there was no way I was going to get my camera out and take a picture, either…)

I thought that I would attempt to mow the actual front part of the yard at a higher blade level so that the grass wouldn’t look as stupid. After I was finished, not only did the side yard stand out terribly, but I also mowed in some ridiculous pattern. I thought it would be a good idea to start on the outer perimeter of the yard and mow toward the center; however, even that was a colossal mistake. Let me say it again: Jerm was going to kill me.

I decided to move to the backyard and give the whole front yard failure a rest. Oddly enough, it went very smoothly. (I would like to add here that Maisie followed me around the entire time with her tennis ball in her mouth, occasionally dropping it in the direct path of the mower. Every time, I would have to yell at her to pick it up so that I wouldn’t have to stop the lawn mower and create any façade that we were going to be playing ball. So annoying but melts my heart at the same time….) Anyhow, the back yard actually looked good when I was finished, and this gave me confidence to go back to the front and try it again, even if this meant that the neighbors would be ROTFL (if you will) at my second attempt to mow the front yard.

This time, I decided that I would mow the yard in a vertical pattern at the same blade level of the side yard. My thinking was that it would be better to endure the embarrassment of mowing a second time in order to have a uniform yellow yard than the hot mess that was currently our front yard. And so I mowed again, and this time it looked pretty good, if I might say so myself.

I weed-eated and then the thunderstorm started to roll in. It didn’t really matter that the internet, cable, or phone were out that evening because I was in bed by 9pm. Maybe I should mow the yard more often.

Or maybe not.